It’s inevitable that you and your partner will have conflicts and disagreements. Everyone does. In fact, conflict is a natural consequence of any intimate relationship. Expect to have differences of opinion and sometimes major eruptions with your partner, but learn to fight fairly.
Never say hurtful things when you fight. It’s hard to show restraint in the heat of an argument, but it’s important that you make an attempt. Fights are part of a relationship and they can actually be productive. However, when fights include words designed to hurt, they can poison a relationship. Think about what you say in an argument. Even when you’re angry, avoid using the words that you know will hurt your partner.
Find the strength to apologize after a fight. You probably said things you wish you hadn’t and it’s sometimes a matter of foolish pride to wait for the other to apologize first. Find the strength to say you’re sorry. It will do wonders at smoothing over the rough feelings left after the fight.
When you’ve had an argument, schedule a time to talk about what happened. Choose a time that’s convenient for both of you and a place where you can really concentrate and hear each other. Sometimes it helps to get out of familiar surroundings to review a conflict. It can give you perspective. Go for a walk in the park. Drive to different part of town. Go to Starbuck’s or Caribou Coffee.
Take turns explaining why you’re angry -- and listen to each other without interrupting. When you are talking, make an effort to keep your tone neutral -- use about as much emotion as you would to say, “Please pass the salt.” Be respectful. Listen courteously while your partner expresses feelings or needs and acknowledge them. Don’t belittle his/her perspective. Make “I” statements that express your feelings (“I feel hurt when you leave the dinner table without thanking me for cooking”) instead of “you” statements, which assign blame (“You’re selfish because you leave the dinner table . . . “). Never give advice, unless your partner specifically requests it. Avoid words or phrases you know are offensive to your partner and have made fights escalate in the past. Keep your focus on the issue at hand. Avoid the temptation to resurrect events and “evidence” from your history as a couple.
If you are in the wrong, practice the lost art of apologizing. Simple words like, “What I did was not OK. I’m sorry,” can often dissolve resentment on the spot. Brainstorm together and decide on two or three constructive solutions for your current problem. Once you agree, make a plan and put it into action for a specific period of time. Check in with each other to see if the plan is working.
Learning to fight fairly is an important skill in a relationship. Mastering this skill is crucial in maintaining happy and lasting relationships. With Valentine’s Day approaching, mastering this skill will keep the peace and your love life alive!
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Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Eternal Sunshine of the Fearless Mind
In a study conducted by Michael Davis, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta, Georgia, a drug already on the market for tuberculosis helped people who were terrified of heights get over that fear with only two therapy sessions instead of the usual seven or eight.
Davis based his work on research that had found the transmission of a certain protein to a brain receptor was critical to overcoming fear. He found that the TB drug, D-cycloserine, aids the transmission of the crucial protein. The drug, sold by Eli Lilly and Co. under the brand name Seromycin, doesn't dissolve fear, but in rats, it helped unlearn fears faster.
Since it was already approved for use in people, Michael Davis and Barbara O. Rothbaum, director of the school's trauma and anxiety recovery program, tested it on 28 acrophobics, people afraid of heights. Each received a pill just before their two virtual reality therapy sessions, in which computerized goggles are used to simulate going up a glass elevator in a hotel lobby. Nobody knew whether the pill was a placebo or one of two doses of D-cycloserine, the 500 mg used for TB or one-tenth that dose.
Note: One participant dropped out of the study, thus results are based on the 27 remaining participants.
“When checked one week after and three months after the second session, the 10 patients who had received placebos did slightly better than they had at the start. But the 17 on the drug -- the dose didn't seem to matter -- did as well as or better than people who had finished the usual course of eight treatments,” Davis said. “And, those who had taken the drug were twice as likely as those on the placebo to be going up in elevators, driving over high bridges and doing other things that fear of panic attacks had kept them from doing before the therapy.”
"That's pretty powerful stuff…pretty convincing," said Alan Steinberg, associate director of the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress at UCLA.
Hmm…taking a pill to overcome fear. I guess the 2004 movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in which a couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, isn’t so far-fetched after all. Considering heartache is so very painful, I’m sure researchers will have an abundance of participants should this come to pass.
Davis based his work on research that had found the transmission of a certain protein to a brain receptor was critical to overcoming fear. He found that the TB drug, D-cycloserine, aids the transmission of the crucial protein. The drug, sold by Eli Lilly and Co. under the brand name Seromycin, doesn't dissolve fear, but in rats, it helped unlearn fears faster.
Since it was already approved for use in people, Michael Davis and Barbara O. Rothbaum, director of the school's trauma and anxiety recovery program, tested it on 28 acrophobics, people afraid of heights. Each received a pill just before their two virtual reality therapy sessions, in which computerized goggles are used to simulate going up a glass elevator in a hotel lobby. Nobody knew whether the pill was a placebo or one of two doses of D-cycloserine, the 500 mg used for TB or one-tenth that dose.
Note: One participant dropped out of the study, thus results are based on the 27 remaining participants.
“When checked one week after and three months after the second session, the 10 patients who had received placebos did slightly better than they had at the start. But the 17 on the drug -- the dose didn't seem to matter -- did as well as or better than people who had finished the usual course of eight treatments,” Davis said. “And, those who had taken the drug were twice as likely as those on the placebo to be going up in elevators, driving over high bridges and doing other things that fear of panic attacks had kept them from doing before the therapy.”
"That's pretty powerful stuff…pretty convincing," said Alan Steinberg, associate director of the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress at UCLA.
Hmm…taking a pill to overcome fear. I guess the 2004 movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in which a couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, isn’t so far-fetched after all. Considering heartache is so very painful, I’m sure researchers will have an abundance of participants should this come to pass.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Beyond War
On April 4, 1967, exactly one year before is death, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his Beyond Vietnam speech to an audience at New York City's Riverside Church. In the speech, Dr. King stated:
“A genuine revolution of values means in the final analysis that our loyalties must become ecumenical rather than sectional. Every nation must now develop an overriding loyalty to mankind as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual societies.
This call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one’s tribe, race, class and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all mankind. This oft misunderstood, this oft misinterpreted concept, so readily dismissed by the Nietzsches of the world as a weak and cowardly force, has now become an absolute necessity for the survival of man. When I speak of love I am not speaking of some sentimental and weak response. I’m not speaking of that force which is just emotional bosh. I am speaking of that force which all of the great religions have seen as the supreme unifying principle of life. Love is somehow the key that unlocks the door, which leads to ultimate reality. This Hindu-Moslem-Christian-Jewish-Buddhist belief about ultimate reality is beautifully summed up in the first epistle of Saint John: "Let us love one another, (Yes) for love is God. (Yes) And every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love." "If we love one another, God dwelleth in us and his love is perfected in us." Let us hope that this spirit will become the order of the day.
We can no longer afford to worship the god of hate or bow before the altar of retaliation. The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. History is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate. As Arnold Toynbee says: "Love is the ultimate force that makes for the saving choice of life and good against the damning choice of death and evil. Therefore the first hope in our inventory must be the hope that love is going to have the last word."
We are now faced with the fact, my friends, that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood—it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, "Too late." There is an invisible book of life that faithfully records our vigilance or our neglect. Omar Khayyam is right: "The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on."
We still have a choice today: nonviolent coexistence or violent co-annihilation. We must move past indecision to action. We must find new ways to speak for peace in Vietnam and justice throughout the developing world, a world that borders on our doors. If we do not act, we shall surely be dragged down the long, dark, and shameful corridors of time reserved for those who possess power without compassion, might without morality, and strength without sight.”
Astonishingly, this speech soured his relationship with many members of mainstream media. Life magazine called the speech "demagogic slander that sounded like a script for Radio Hanoi,” and The Washington Post declared that Dr. King had "diminished his usefulness to his cause, his country, his people." Curiously, if we replace Vietnam with Iraq, would the media do the same today?
A personal caveat: I have the utmost respect for the men and women that serve in The United States Armed Forces and honor them for our country’s freedom. I humbly commend the risking of lives during wartime; however, like Dr. King, I question the concept of war. The Beyond Vietnam speech reflects Dr. King's political advocacy in his later years. Conflict is inevitable, but war is not! Unbelievably, over forty years have passed and we are still struggling for fundamental changes in the political and economic life of our nation.
How apropos that the MLK Holiday harbingers our nation’s historic Inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama! Change is realized, but compassion is required for change to endure. As I reflect on Dr. King’s statement, "True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar...it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring,” I pray for political restructuring when it comes to war.
“A genuine revolution of values means in the final analysis that our loyalties must become ecumenical rather than sectional. Every nation must now develop an overriding loyalty to mankind as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual societies.
This call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond one’s tribe, race, class and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all mankind. This oft misunderstood, this oft misinterpreted concept, so readily dismissed by the Nietzsches of the world as a weak and cowardly force, has now become an absolute necessity for the survival of man. When I speak of love I am not speaking of some sentimental and weak response. I’m not speaking of that force which is just emotional bosh. I am speaking of that force which all of the great religions have seen as the supreme unifying principle of life. Love is somehow the key that unlocks the door, which leads to ultimate reality. This Hindu-Moslem-Christian-Jewish-Buddhist belief about ultimate reality is beautifully summed up in the first epistle of Saint John: "Let us love one another, (Yes) for love is God. (Yes) And every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love." "If we love one another, God dwelleth in us and his love is perfected in us." Let us hope that this spirit will become the order of the day.
We can no longer afford to worship the god of hate or bow before the altar of retaliation. The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. History is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path of hate. As Arnold Toynbee says: "Love is the ultimate force that makes for the saving choice of life and good against the damning choice of death and evil. Therefore the first hope in our inventory must be the hope that love is going to have the last word."
We are now faced with the fact, my friends, that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood—it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, "Too late." There is an invisible book of life that faithfully records our vigilance or our neglect. Omar Khayyam is right: "The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on."
We still have a choice today: nonviolent coexistence or violent co-annihilation. We must move past indecision to action. We must find new ways to speak for peace in Vietnam and justice throughout the developing world, a world that borders on our doors. If we do not act, we shall surely be dragged down the long, dark, and shameful corridors of time reserved for those who possess power without compassion, might without morality, and strength without sight.”
Astonishingly, this speech soured his relationship with many members of mainstream media. Life magazine called the speech "demagogic slander that sounded like a script for Radio Hanoi,” and The Washington Post declared that Dr. King had "diminished his usefulness to his cause, his country, his people." Curiously, if we replace Vietnam with Iraq, would the media do the same today?
A personal caveat: I have the utmost respect for the men and women that serve in The United States Armed Forces and honor them for our country’s freedom. I humbly commend the risking of lives during wartime; however, like Dr. King, I question the concept of war. The Beyond Vietnam speech reflects Dr. King's political advocacy in his later years. Conflict is inevitable, but war is not! Unbelievably, over forty years have passed and we are still struggling for fundamental changes in the political and economic life of our nation.
How apropos that the MLK Holiday harbingers our nation’s historic Inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama! Change is realized, but compassion is required for change to endure. As I reflect on Dr. King’s statement, "True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar...it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring,” I pray for political restructuring when it comes to war.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Lessons from Geese
As geese fly in “V” formation, each bird flaps its wings creating lift for the bird behind. In this particular formation, the flock adds 71% more to the flying range than if each bird flew alone.
Lesson: Social communities and fellowship are important because collectively, we achieve greater leverage.
Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it feels the drag and resistance of attempting to fly alone. It quickly realigns into the formation, taking advantage of the lifting power of the others in flight.
Lesson: While independence is important, traveling through life is easier with the assistance of friends.
When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation, allowing another goose to take over the lead.
Lesson: A true leader knows when to step back and let another shine.
Geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those in front to maintain speed and keep moving forward.
Lesson: Our “honking from behind” should always be encouraging and uplifting, rather than negative and unhelpful.
When a goose is ill, wounded or shot down, two geese fall out of formation and follow it down to protect and help. They stay with the fallen goose until it is either able to fly again or dies. At that time, they rejoin the formation.
Lesson: Following the example of geese, treating others with the same respect is paramount.
Lesson: Social communities and fellowship are important because collectively, we achieve greater leverage.
Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it feels the drag and resistance of attempting to fly alone. It quickly realigns into the formation, taking advantage of the lifting power of the others in flight.
Lesson: While independence is important, traveling through life is easier with the assistance of friends.
When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation, allowing another goose to take over the lead.
Lesson: A true leader knows when to step back and let another shine.
Geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those in front to maintain speed and keep moving forward.
Lesson: Our “honking from behind” should always be encouraging and uplifting, rather than negative and unhelpful.
When a goose is ill, wounded or shot down, two geese fall out of formation and follow it down to protect and help. They stay with the fallen goose until it is either able to fly again or dies. At that time, they rejoin the formation.
Lesson: Following the example of geese, treating others with the same respect is paramount.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
As We Begin 2009…
…with resolutions, goals and wishes, remember the following:
A Prayer For Peace
I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings.
My wisdom flows
from the highest Source.
I salute that Source in you.
Let us work together
for unity and peace.
~Mahatma Gandhi
A Prayer For Peace
I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings.
My wisdom flows
from the highest Source.
I salute that Source in you.
Let us work together
for unity and peace.
~Mahatma Gandhi