25 Things That MUST be Learned in Relationships

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Give him space…let him go out with the boys. Don’t pressure him to spend time with you. You can’t force a man to hang out with you.
3. Don’t fall for the “I’m not the loving type.” When a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn’t do for you.
4. All men are NOT dogs.
5. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else.
6. You cannot mend someone else’s broken heart.
7. You need time to heal between relationships…there’s nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues BEFORE pursuing a new relationship.
8. Everyone you date is not Mr. Right…don’t be so eager to give your heart away.
9. Never become your man’s “therapist”.
10. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions, as they really do speak louder than words.
11. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals and socioeconomic status ARE important. If you’re not a thug, don’t date one!
12. If you want to know how he will treat you, pay attention to how he treats women, not just his mother.
13. Demand respect and if he can’t give it to you, he can’t have you!
14. Love is a verb…
15. Never let a man define who you are.
16. Never “borrow” someone else’s man.
17. Just because he says he loves you doesn’t mean that he won’t hurt you and it doesn’t mean you are suppose to be with him.
18. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the number one person on your life.
19. Stop making excuses for him and his behavior.
20. If a relationship ends because a man is not treating you as you deserve to be treated, then HELL NO…you can’t be friends. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
21. NEVER settle.
22. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship, please take it as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man that can’t make a decision?
23. Don’t stay because you think it will get better. You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
24. Don’t fall for the “I’m confused” excuse. Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out, but don’t sit and wait for him…move on.
25. If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you.
    

This week’s blog was inspired by personal experience and recent discussions with a friend regarding her relationship. I hope you find it instrumental in making relationship decisions that’s best for you.

The History of Memorial Day

According to Professor David Blight of the Yale University History Department, the first Memorial Day was observed in 1865 by liberated slaves at the historic Washington Race Course (today the location of Hampton Park) in Charleston. The site was a former Confederate prison camp as well as a mass grave for Union soldiers who died in captivity.

The freed slaves disinterred the dead Union soldiers from the mass grave, properly reposed with individual graves, built a fence around the graveyard with an entry arch and declared it a Union graveyard. A daring action for freed slaves to take such in the South just shortly after the Union's victory. On May 30, 1868, the freed slaves returned to the graveyard with flowers they had picked from the countryside and decorated the individual gravesites, thereby creating the first Decoration Day. Thousands of freed blacks and Union soldiers paraded from the area, followed by much patriotic singing and a picnic.

The official birthplace of Memorial Day is Waterloo, New York. The village was credited with being the place of origin because it observed the day on May 5, 1866, and each year thereafter. The friendship between General John Murray, a distinguished citizen of Waterloo, and General John A. Logan, who helped bring attention to the event nationwide, likely was a factor in the holiday's growth.

Logan had been the principal speaker in a citywide memorial observation on April 29, 1866, at a cemetery in Carbondale, Illinois, an event that likely gave him the idea to make it a national holiday. On May 5, 1868, in his capacity as commander-in-chief of the Grand Army of the Republic, a veterans' organization, Logan issued a proclamation that "Decoration Day" be observed nationwide. It was observed for the first time on May 30 of the same year; the date was chosen because it was not the anniversary of a battle. The tombs of fallen Union soldiers were decorated in remembrance.

Many of the states of the U.S. South refused to celebrate Decoration Day, due to lingering hostility towards the Union Army and also because there were relatively few veterans of the Union Army who were buried in the South. A notable exception was Columbus, Mississippi, which on April 25, 1866 at its Decoration Day commemorated both the Union and Confederate casualties buried in its cemetery.

The alternative name of "Memorial Day" was first used in 1882. It did not become more common until after World War II, and was not declared the official name by Federal law until 1967. On June 28, 1968, the United States Congress passed the Uniform Holidays Bill, which moved three holidays from their traditional dates to a specified Monday in order to create a convenient three-day weekend. The holidays included Washington's Birthday, now celebrated as Presidents' Day; Veterans Day, and Memorial Day. The change moved Memorial Day from its traditional May 30 date to the last Monday in May. The law took effect at the federal level in 1971.

After some initial confusion and unwillingness to comply, all fifty states adopted the measure within a few years. Veterans Day was eventually changed back to its traditional date. Ironically, most corporate businesses no longer close on Veterans Day, Columbus Day, or President's Day, with the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and/or New Year's Eve often substituted as more convenient "holidays" for their employees. Memorial Day endures as a holiday which most businesses observe because it marks the beginning of the "summer vacation season."

Waterloo's designation as the birthplace took place just in time for the village's centennial observance. The U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate unanimously passed House Concurrent Resolution 587 on May 17 and May 19, 1966 respectively, which reads in part as follows:

Resolved that the Congress of the United States, in recognition of the patriotic tradition set in motion one hundred years ago in the Village of Waterloo, NY, does hereby officially recognize Waterloo, New York as the birthplace of Memorial Day...

On May 26, 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed a Presidential Proclamation recognizing Waterloo as the Birthplace of Memorial Day.

Essential Skills for Overcoming Life’s Obstacles

How resilient are you? How well do you react to unexpected challenges and conflicts? Resilience is fundamentally underpinned by the concept that it is not so much the hard times we face that determine our success or failure as the way in which we respond to those hard times. In particular:

· the accuracy of our analysis of events;
· the number of alternative scenarios we can envisage;
· the ability to be flexible;
· the continued drive to take on new opportunities and challenges.

Although many of the external pressures on our resilience can neither be controlled nor reversed – the rain will continue to fall, the market will often be slack and we will never be able to regain those lost hours spent in traffic jams – evidence suggests that our internal thinking processes can both moderate the impact of these adversities and provide a valuable resource in moving forward from them, focusing on the things we can control rather than those we cannot.

The key to resilience is the ability to recognize your own thoughts and structures of belief and harness the power of increased accuracy and flexibility of thinking to manage the emotional and behavioral consequences more effectively. This ability can be measured, taught and improved.

There are seven key skills proven in both clinical and corporate settings to boost resilience.

1. Emotion Regulation – the ability to manage our internal world in order to stay effective under pressure. Resilient people use a well-developed set of skills that help them to control their emotions, attention and behavior.
2. Impulse Control – the ability to manage the behavioral expression of thoughts emotional impulses, including the ability to delay gratification, as explored in Daniel Goleman’s work in Emotional Intelligence. Impulse Control is correlated with Emotion Regulation.
3. Causal Analysis – the ability to accurately identify the causes of adversity. Resilient people are able to get outside their habitual thinking styles to identify more possible causes and thus more potential solutions.
4. Self-efficacy – the sense that we are effective in the world – the belief that we can solve problems and succeed. Resilient people believe in themselves and as a result, build others’ confidence in them – placing them in line for more success and more opportunity.
5. Realistic Optimism – the ability to stay positive about the future, yet be realistic in our planning for it. It is linked to self-esteem, but a more causal relationship exists with self-efficacy and involves accuracy and realism – not Pollyanna-style optimism.
6. Empathy – the ability to read others’ behavioral cues to understand their psychological and emotional states and thus, build better relationships. Resilient people are able to read others nonverbal cues to help build deeper relationships with others, and tend to be more in tune with their own emotional states.
7. Reaching Out – the ability to enhance the positive aspects of life and take on new challenge and opportunity. Reaching out behaviors are hampered by embarrassment, perfectionism and self-handicapping.

More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience determines who succeeds and who fails.

Thanks Mom…

…for your guidance in developing the coping skills needed to deal with life’s trials and tribulations. Little did I realize just how import the following words would be, “You are going to make mistakes in life. It’s what you do after a mistake that counts.”

I sincerely appreciate you giving me the gifts money cannot buy, resilience, tenacity, courage, strength, respect for self and others, integrity and humility.

With love to mothers everywhere…Happy Mother’s Day!

Positive Change Through Hypnotherapy

In today’s hectic world, we continually search for ways to bring about positive change. Hypnotherapy is a natural and effective process that utilizes the strength of your subconscious mind to improve your life by changing unwanted habits, enabling you to accomplish your goals. Hypnotherapy enables one to overcome stress, anxiety, depression, addictions, eating disorders, phobias and pain.

Many doctors are utilizing hypnotherapy to enhance their prescribed treatment of diseases and disorders, and dentists are utilizing hypnotherapy as an enhancement to anesthesia.

I encourage my clients to utilize hypnotherapy for stress management, as stress is something that everyone deals with at one time or another. In fact, the most troublesome of all stressors in life are the ones that we create for ourselves. Recognizing that we create most of our own stress is extremely important...it is the first step in dealing with it.

Our quality of life is not so much dependent on how much money we make, or even how much leisure time we have, but on how much we enjoy and appreciate what we have right here and now.

Remaining in the present is very important to our well-being. It is here, that we have all the power, control and serenity to direct our lives and our thoughts. We are not promised tomorrow; therefore, we should not allow ourselves to stress out over it. The same holds true for our past...given the opportunity to make the choice today, we may chose differently; however, every choice we made in the past and the experience we encountered because of that choice, made us WHO we are today!

Our subconscious mind “helps” us to reflect on the thoughts that are currently dominating our conscious mind. Being non-judgmental, the subconscious mind actively supplies us with the kind of thoughts that it thinks we want.

This is why it is so very important to be aware of what our messages are to ourselves, what words we use, and how they affect our current thinking. We have the ability to select our thoughts, as we desire and hypnotherapy guides the process. Avoid negative self-talk, pessimistic thinking, self-criticism and over-analyzing. Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. Don’t set YOUR goals by what other people deem important. Looking at things more positively, seeing problems as a chance to show off your talents and keeping a sense of humor are key factors in coping with and managing stress.

Since we are in the mode of positive change, I’d like to share part of a Nepalese Prosperity Mantra entitled, Instructions for Life:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Follow the three R’s: respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for your actions.

Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Remember not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Remember that the best relationship in one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

In concluding, please remember to call your mother, as Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 10th!