Understanding Loneliness

Loneliness is an abtruse, multidimensional phenomenon. Yet surprisingly, some people rarely, if ever, feel lonely.

Sometimes people are lonely because of an immediate situation. Situational loneliness appears based on the state or situation a person is going through at a particular time. A more persistent loneliness can be referred to as "trait" loneliness, as it appears as a trait of that person.

Situational lonely people have a proactive approach at overcoming their loneliness as they often utilize active coping strategies like exercising, listening to music or working on a hobby. These things take their mind off of the loneliness, which makes more positive use of their time.

In contrast, trait lonely people seem to have given up on solving their loneliness problem. They withdraw from painful situations and end up using sad passive strategies. This does not solve the problem of loneliness; it is an attempt to deflect some of the pain of loneliness.

Loneliness is more complex than simply not using the right kinds of coping strategies. Research has shown that loneliness can be associated with other negative components such as low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, stress, etc. Additional research indicates that loneliness may be a link to a person’s past, such as confounding problems that may have resulted in a barrage of negative symptoms, one of which is loneliness. Some degree of counseling would be required to resolve these issues.

Ironically, a common goal of trait lonely people is to find that special someone for themselves. One definition of loneliness is “separation distress without an object”. Some lonely people look for their attachment object everywhere and are in distress when they can’t find that special someone to love. Why is that?

Possible reasons could be that a person lacks the social skills to make and form friendships. Another may be culture…society prides itself on individuality and personal freedom. Successful relationships, however, require some degree of compromise. Compromise may require some encroachment on one’s personal freedom, which may not be desired. The end result is you don’t find that special someone because that special someone is more of a figment of your imagination rather than an actual person. The last reason is being unwilling to let down one’s defenses. When people have been hurt by past loved ones, they are more unwilling to be open to love in the next relationship. Being in a relationship requires one to let some of their defenses down and being open to the possibility of being hurt again. Only then can a true meaningful relationship form. If you can’t be hurt, then you cannot be loved.

Loneliness is very painful. Understanding what causes your loneliness will not only enable you to conquer it, it’s the first step on the road to happiness.

The Ardor of Ages

The resonance of your voice,
knowing exactly what to say,
the playfulness of your words,
bring tranquility to my day.

Your influence on me,
peaceful and serene,
enable me to deal with the bourgeoisie
and occasionally obscene.

A harmonious equanimity,
loving, puissant and tender.
Our friendship means the world to me,
one I’ll cherish and always remember.

Ouida Says It Best

In her poem, When Silence is Beyond Words, Ouida states:
There may be moments in friendship, as in love, when silence is beyond words. The faults of our friend may be clear to us, but it is well to seem to shut our eyes to them. Friendship is usually treated by the majority of people as a thing which will survive all manner of bad treatment. But this is an exceedingly great and foolish error; it may die in an hour of a single unwise word; its conditions of existence are that it should be dealt with delicately and tenderly, being as it is a sensible plant and not a roadside thistle. We must not expect our friend to be above humanity.

Her message is paramount, yet many are oblivious to the powerful impact of words. "Think before you speak", is a colloquialism common to many, practiced by few. The consequence of a misspoken word scars far deeper than physical affliction...the pain lingers and haunts.

Choose your battles wisely and always ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?"

Modus Operandi Equanimously

• Take a mental vacation...close your eyes and imagine you are someplace most enjoyable. Fully experience this event. See the sights. Hear the sounds. Feel the air. Smell the smells. Tune in to the sense of well-being. You will feel like you have been on a vacation in just a few moments.

• Say the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the courage to change the things I can change, the ability to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

• Self-Rejuvenation. Enoy what makes your spirit soar...listen to music, meditate, dance, paint, embrace the peacefulness of nature, read or write.

• Set Limits. We often embrace unrealistic expectations regarding how much we should accomplish in life. This is a prime culprit in increasing our stress levels. Bringing expectations into line with reality and learning to say "no" offers immediate relief.

• Social Support. Find people you trust, who can nurture and support you.

Romance is ...

• Loving yourself before you love anyone else
• Hugging
• Giving or receiving a massage...better yet, a foot massage
• Caressing with slow, gentle strokes
• Admitting mistakes
• Flirting in public
• Indulging a whim
• Listening
• Being trustworthy
• Telling him/her what you'd prefer, instead of complaining
• Looking into his/her eyes
• Sending flowers for no reason...hint, hint gentlemen :-)
• Asking him/her to show you how to do something
• Calling when you are going to be late
• Asking what he/she would like sexually
• Taking an afternoon drive more than 1 hour from home
• Cuddling
• A surprise date
• Doing something he/she wants to do
• Really listening
• Serving him/her breakfast in bed
• Taking a shower together
• Carrying his/her photo in your wallet
• Going away together for a weekend holiday
• Smiling when you look at him/her
• Going for a bicycle ride together
• Surprising him/her with "special" attire
• A picnic lunch
• Surprising him/her with a gift when it's a non-holiday
• Cooking a favorite meal
• Trying a new restaurant
• Being proud of him/her
• Asking for his/her opinion
• Turning on romantic music
• Watching the sunset together (preferably on a beach)
• Inviting him/her to a concert
• Letting him/her know you care
• Dancing in the rain
• Sleeping together (actually sleeping, no sex)