Understanding Loneliness

Loneliness is an abtruse, multidimensional phenomenon. Yet surprisingly, some people rarely, if ever, feel lonely.

Sometimes people are lonely because of an immediate situation. Situational loneliness appears based on the state or situation a person is going through at a particular time. A more persistent loneliness can be referred to as "trait" loneliness, as it appears as a trait of that person.

Situational lonely people have a proactive approach at overcoming their loneliness as they often utilize active coping strategies like exercising, listening to music or working on a hobby. These things take their mind off of the loneliness, which makes more positive use of their time.

In contrast, trait lonely people seem to have given up on solving their loneliness problem. They withdraw from painful situations and end up using sad passive strategies. This does not solve the problem of loneliness; it is an attempt to deflect some of the pain of loneliness.

Loneliness is more complex than simply not using the right kinds of coping strategies. Research has shown that loneliness can be associated with other negative components such as low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, stress, etc. Additional research indicates that loneliness may be a link to a person’s past, such as confounding problems that may have resulted in a barrage of negative symptoms, one of which is loneliness. Some degree of counseling would be required to resolve these issues.

Ironically, a common goal of trait lonely people is to find that special someone for themselves. One definition of loneliness is “separation distress without an object”. Some lonely people look for their attachment object everywhere and are in distress when they can’t find that special someone to love. Why is that?

Possible reasons could be that a person lacks the social skills to make and form friendships. Another may be culture…society prides itself on individuality and personal freedom. Successful relationships, however, require some degree of compromise. Compromise may require some encroachment on one’s personal freedom, which may not be desired. The end result is you don’t find that special someone because that special someone is more of a figment of your imagination rather than an actual person. The last reason is being unwilling to let down one’s defenses. When people have been hurt by past loved ones, they are more unwilling to be open to love in the next relationship. Being in a relationship requires one to let some of their defenses down and being open to the possibility of being hurt again. Only then can a true meaningful relationship form. If you can’t be hurt, then you cannot be loved.

Loneliness is very painful. Understanding what causes your loneliness will not only enable you to conquer it, it’s the first step on the road to happiness.

The Ardor of Ages

The resonance of your voice,
knowing exactly what to say,
the playfulness of your words,
bring tranquility to my day.

Your influence on me,
peaceful and serene,
enable me to deal with the bourgeoisie
and occasionally obscene.

A harmonious equanimity,
loving, puissant and tender.
Our friendship means the world to me,
one I’ll cherish and always remember.

Ouida Says It Best

In her poem, When Silence is Beyond Words, Ouida states:
There may be moments in friendship, as in love, when silence is beyond words. The faults of our friend may be clear to us, but it is well to seem to shut our eyes to them. Friendship is usually treated by the majority of people as a thing which will survive all manner of bad treatment. But this is an exceedingly great and foolish error; it may die in an hour of a single unwise word; its conditions of existence are that it should be dealt with delicately and tenderly, being as it is a sensible plant and not a roadside thistle. We must not expect our friend to be above humanity.

Her message is paramount, yet many are oblivious to the powerful impact of words. "Think before you speak", is a colloquialism common to many, practiced by few. The consequence of a misspoken word scars far deeper than physical affliction...the pain lingers and haunts.

Choose your battles wisely and always ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?"

Modus Operandi Equanimously

• Take a mental vacation...close your eyes and imagine you are someplace most enjoyable. Fully experience this event. See the sights. Hear the sounds. Feel the air. Smell the smells. Tune in to the sense of well-being. You will feel like you have been on a vacation in just a few moments.

• Say the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the courage to change the things I can change, the ability to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

• Self-Rejuvenation. Enoy what makes your spirit soar...listen to music, meditate, dance, paint, embrace the peacefulness of nature, read or write.

• Set Limits. We often embrace unrealistic expectations regarding how much we should accomplish in life. This is a prime culprit in increasing our stress levels. Bringing expectations into line with reality and learning to say "no" offers immediate relief.

• Social Support. Find people you trust, who can nurture and support you.

Romance is ...

• Loving yourself before you love anyone else
• Hugging
• Giving or receiving a massage...better yet, a foot massage
• Caressing with slow, gentle strokes
• Admitting mistakes
• Flirting in public
• Indulging a whim
• Listening
• Being trustworthy
• Telling him/her what you'd prefer, instead of complaining
• Looking into his/her eyes
• Sending flowers for no reason...hint, hint gentlemen :-)
• Asking him/her to show you how to do something
• Calling when you are going to be late
• Asking what he/she would like sexually
• Taking an afternoon drive more than 1 hour from home
• Cuddling
• A surprise date
• Doing something he/she wants to do
• Really listening
• Serving him/her breakfast in bed
• Taking a shower together
• Carrying his/her photo in your wallet
• Going away together for a weekend holiday
• Smiling when you look at him/her
• Going for a bicycle ride together
• Surprising him/her with "special" attire
• A picnic lunch
• Surprising him/her with a gift when it's a non-holiday
• Cooking a favorite meal
• Trying a new restaurant
• Being proud of him/her
• Asking for his/her opinion
• Turning on romantic music
• Watching the sunset together (preferably on a beach)
• Inviting him/her to a concert
• Letting him/her know you care
• Dancing in the rain
• Sleeping together (actually sleeping, no sex)

Seven Rules to Live By

1. Don't make a cemetery of your life by burying your talents
2. Take responsibility for your actions
3. Develop coping skills...in most cases, it beats taking a pill
4. Always treat others as you wish to be treated
5. Live for today, tomorrow is not a promise
6. Dump him if he's rude to the hostess, waiter, or anyone in the service industy
7. How he treats his mother is a reflection of how you will be treated

Understanding Our Thoughts: The Power of the Subconscious Mind

The most difficult stressors in life are the ones that we create for ourselves. Our quality of life is not dependent on how much money we have, but on how much we enjoy and appreciate what we have, right here and now. Our appreciation is based on how we think and feel about things. Our thoughts can invoke strong emotions, having great impact on our well-being. Unfortunately, we cannot escape the often harassing nature of our own thoughts.

Do we ever not think? And, since we accept the belief that thinking is solely a function of using words, what words do we use and how do these words affect us? Can we think without words? What words do infants use before they have learned to speak? When do we ever not have inner conversations? These questions have been described as addiction to thought, and like any other addiction, we seem limited in our ability to control our habit. We feel an intense responsibility for the thoughts we have, and we feel an obligation to think them through to the bitter end.

Are we to blame for the thoughts we have? The answer is NO! We are not to blame for the thoughts we have; however, we ARE responsible for what we do with them once they appear in our conscious mind.

We have the right and the ability to choose to act upon our thoughts or not. Just because it pops into our mind, does not mean we are obligated to spend time on it or to think about it. We cannot always prevent thoughts from making an appearance, but we can let it go on its way. Don’t fight the thought or worry, just “let it go” by not judging it and spending time on it.

In order to do this; we must have an understanding of what creates our thoughts…where do they come from? Thoughts come from the conscious and subconscious mind. Consciously, we are exposed to external stimulus through conversations, reading, TV, or consciously reviewing things in our mind. Our subconscious mind, which is constantly doing what it thinks we want to do, tries to help us by presenting additional related thoughts, memories and feelings. By doing so, it also stimulates our imagination.

Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge”. The fact is reality and knowledge can and may be overpowered by subconscious imagination and memories. Imagination is so powerful, that it can trigger physiological stress responses in our bodies, such as sweating, muscle tension and knotting your stomach. Our thoughts like to transport us the unreal realms of the past and the future. We can remain in the present by focusing on the reality of where we are at the moment.

Remaining in the present moment is very important to our well being. It is here, in the present, where we have all the power, control and serenity to direct our lives and our thoughts. Thoughts transporting you to the past and into the future consider things that may happen. The problem is, most of these thoughts are of a negative or distressing nature. Negative thoughts are more intense because of their association with negative emotions. These emotions make our memories more vivid and our worries frightful. Our subconscious mind keeps us thinking about the thoughts that are currently dominating our conscious mind.

If negative thoughts and emotions can direct the subconscious mind, certainly it can be directed with positive thoughts and emotions. Change your in-put for a better out-put. We have the ability to select our thoughts, as we desire, rather than having them chosen for us. Choosing positive and comforting thoughts begets positive and comforting feelings of the same process of the subconscious mind.

It is so very important to always be aware of what our messages are to ourselves, what words we use and how they affect our current dominant thinking. By doing so, our subconscious mind will do its work behind the scenes, like a compass pointing us in the right direction.

Too Little, Too Late

We met in Winter of 2001. Our friendship blossomed into what resembled a rose kissed by morning dew...absolute beauty, perfectly unblemished. His attention to detail is impeccable. Gourmet dinners so artful and sensual they’d resemble a Masaaki Kazama painting. Conversations so enchanting, dawn would suddenly appear out of nowhere. Time apart seemed like days, not weeks or months. A phone call on Wednesday meant I’d see him on Friday or Saturday. He was ever so close to me, yet I always kept him an arm’s distance away.

Suddenly, a shocking disclosure, I was hit with the news of his return to Europe. (Thank you Bush Administration for doing everything ass backwards!) It seemed so surreal to me, a little Dali, but mostly Magritte!

It's funny how life imitates the Arts. I'm actually living the real life version of Wim Wenders' "Wings of Desire"...amazing isn't it?

I held the epitome of my perfect match in my arms and I let him get away. Don't make the mistake I did, never give into fear...be brave and share your love!

Happiness can be Learned!!!

Decades of studying depression has helped millions become less sad, but not necessarily more happy - a crucial distinction. Researchers are finding that happiness is influenced not by a single "happy gene", but by inborn predispositions toward qualities that help or hinder happiness, such as optimism or shyness. Personality doesn't fluctuate that much over an average life span. People have "happiness set points" – base lines that moods drift back to after good or bad events.

If you're a gloomy, pessimistic person, you're probably never going to be deliriously happy, but you can get into the high end of your possible range of happiness set points and stay there. Happiness can be learned; you practice it day in and day out. If you want your happiness at the higher end of the set range, you have to commit yourself everyday to do things to make you happy.

One way is to find the right goals and to pursue them. By setting and achieving a progression of goals, you can boost your well being. Even when you fail, you can better maintain that higher level next time you reach it, though you'll probably top out at the high end of your range.

Another path to greater happiness is cultivating positive emotions. Good feelings broaden thinking and banish negative emotions. Negative emotions narrow thought, by necessity. Most people cannot feel positive emotions at will. Positive emotions and broadened thinking are mutually building on one another, making people more creative problem-solvers over time and even better off emotionally. Coping well with one problem can make people more resilient next time trouble comes along.

One of the worst enemies of positive emotions is feeling threatened. A safe environment is the key. This is crucial, especially in relationships. A husband, wife or significant other cannot replace any of the things that are missing from your life. They can, however, provide the sanctuary needed to find them.

Some emotions aren't that hard to feel, if you take the time. Take gratitude...people who take the time to be grateful for events in their lives are not only more joyful, they are healthier, less stressed, more optimistic and more likely to help others. Additionally, gratitude could help ward off mindless materialism.

Anyone who has witnessed a touching good deed will recognize the heartwarming tingling in the chest that follows. Researchers at the University of Virginia dubbed this uplifting emotion "elevation". Such feelings break down mental barriers and help people see the world in new ways. Even mild feelings of elevation can change minds.

The feeling of hope is one reason spirituality may correlate with well being. Hope fosters optimism, and faith is, by definition, hope for the future. This is not to say that atheists can't be happy, but it helps to explain why so many do find happiness in faith and why researchers continue to find connections between faith, optimism and physical health.

Nurturing optimism is a key way to help hope and happiness flourish. Optimism predisposes people toward positive emotions, whereas pessimism is a petri dish for depression. Pessimists blame themselves for problems, figure they will last forever, and let them invade every corner of their lives. Good events are freak occurrences. Optimists look for outside causes of bad events and assume they will be fleeting and take credit for good events and bet they'll keep coming. By learning new ways to explain events, pessimists can become more optimistic and more resilient, leaving them better equipped to appreciate the good and cope with the bad.

Kids on Planes...

...my view on the mother getting booted off is - "Way to go flight attendant!" Airlines should have special flights that cater exclusively to parents with kids. There is NOTHING more annoying than flying with other people's whining, screaming, misbehaving children.

THE NIGHTMARE

Trapped within the sleepy depths of depression,
tormented by shadows,
reflecting pictures of mazes in his mind.
He finds himself captured by her spell.

His instability forces him closer and deeper
into her empty chambers.
Her lust for life depends upon the mixed emotions
living in his subconscious mind.

Thriving on his hardships, she will survive.
Through her, he sees new perspectives,
as reality and imagination combine into a jigsaw puzzle of unmatched pieces,
revealing the story of life, itself.

She appears just as night and day,
to reveal the truth in her haunting way.